The Ring, a very sick and demented comedy.
by Quill Xarxes
Summary: This sucka's worse than all my fics combined... and it's not depressing... nobody dies... well... nevermind ^_^.


The Ring  
Quillin Xarxes  
  
WARNING: This is a very nasty fiction. It has very bad language, sex, and violence. Not detailed enough to be NC-17, but it's a weird comedy. I like it, because I like this sort of thing. Heh. But it's very sick. If you don't like this sort of material, don't read it. PLEASE.  
  
"Finally!" James said as he held the ring in his hand. It was beautiful. It was only a fake diamond (cheapo) but it was pretty enough. He slid it into his pocket and left to go give it to Jessie.  
  
Butch laughed to himself. He had found the humiliation necessary to ruin James forever. He thought back to just a few weeks before:  
  
*Annoying Flashback Sequence*  
  
"So, Butch, how are you doing today?" James said with a smirk on his face.  
  
Butch was annoyed, "Get away, jackass."  
  
"The boss says you haven't been working hard enough, he wants you to go to Arrowak Station and steal all the Poke'mon there."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Of course!"  
  
The next day, Butch came back with a bag filled with Poke'mon. He proudly brought them to the boss, "Here's the Poke'mon you wanted me to get for you!"  
  
"What Poke'mon?" The boss was confused.  
  
"The ones from Arrowak station!"  
  
Giovanni looked at Butch like he was an insect, "I own Arrowak Station."  
  
For the next week he had Butch sweeping floors.  
  
*Flashback ends* "I'll get that bastard now!" Butch said. He crept up to James, and stole the ring from his pocket. He then ran to his room, and hid the ring as best he could.  
  
"Uh… Jess?" James said as he walked up to Jessie, little kid style, "I was wondering…"  
  
Jessie looked at him funny, "Hi, James." she said, "I've been looking for you."  
  
"Oh. Well…" James put his hand in his pocket to retrieve the ring he had placed in it, "OH SHIT!"  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"I gotta go!" James ran away to go look for the ring. Suddenly he saw Butch laughing in the corner, "WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY RING, BUTCH!?"  
  
"It's somewhere you'll never find it!" Butch said in-between smiles. He had finally gotten James back, or so he thought.  
  
"YOU CUMSUCKING BASTARD HOW DARE YOU TAKE MY RING YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!" James said as he attacked Butch in full force.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Butch yelled as James stuck his hands in Butch's back pockets to check them.  
  
Just then, Mondo walked in, "Whoa… sorry guys… carry on…" And he walked out.  
  
Butch screamed again, "NOW HE THINKS WE'RE GAY ON EACH OTHER!"  
  
"That's the least of your problems now!" James said as he held a knife to Butch's neck and dragged him to Butch's room, "TELL ME WHERE THE FUCK IT IS!"  
  
"I WON'T TELL!"  
  
James stuck the knife farther in, "YES YOU WILL!"  
  
"I DON'T KNOW!"  
  
James took the knife off Butch's throat, "What do you mean 'You don't know?'"  
  
"Cassidy hid it." Butch said as he took a deep breath.  
  
"Damn!" James said, "Well help me look for it!!!"  
  
"Never."  
  
"YOU WILL! Whadda ya want me to do, STRIP SEARCH YOU?!"  
  
"What are you psycho???"  
  
A random rocket member suddenly walked out, "I didn't see anything…"  
  
"GAAAAAA!" James said as he fired a shot at the top of the door, "Let them spread rumors, they'll take 'em back when I put a hole through your head!"  
  
"Leave me alone! I said Cassidy hid it!"  
  
James dragged Butch to his room, that was where it would obviously be, "GO FIND IT BEFORE I BLOW YOUR FUCKING BRAINS OUT!"  
  
The entire population of the hallway gathered at the door to listen to the scene.  
  
"I'm not doing it, James!" Butch yelled.  
  
"Perhaps I can persuade you!" James said with a lunatic laugh as he pointed a pistol at Butch.  
  
"ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I WILL!"  
  
James and Butch started searching Butch's room for James' ring. Butch yelled semi-sarcastically, "I found it."  
  
James dragged Butch to the corner of the room and pushed him up to the wall, "GIVE IT TO ME NOW!" He pulled out his gun again.  
  
Butch yelled, "WHAT ARE YA GONNA DO WITH THAT, STICK IT UP MY ASS?!" He then decided he probably shouldn't have said that.  
  
"What are you boys doing?" Giovanni asked.  
  
James forgot who was standing in front of and shot the door above Giovanni's head, "NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!"  
  
Giovanni's eyes widened as he saw the look in James' face, and he exited the room. He then started banging his head on the wall, "Team… Rocket… is an… Equal… Opportunity… Employer…"  
  
"Oh shit…" James said, "Let's just find the ring and pretend this never happened.  
  
"Got it." Butch said.  
  
"Maybe she hid it in the bed sheets…" James asked himself as he crawled under.  
  
Butch was thinking the same thing. They both were under the sheets, searching for the ring, when Jessie walked in.  
  
"JAMES?!"  
  
"JESSIE?! It's not what it looks like!" James screamed.  
  
Jessie started to cry, "I thought you were satisfied with our relationship!"  
  
"I can explain!" James yelled, but it was too late, Jessie was gone.  
  
Butch started laughing, it was worth the entire Team Rocket organization thinking he was gay, just to see the sadness on James' face.  
  
"What the fuck?" James felt something, "I found it!" He had sat down on the ring when Jessie had walked in, "But… it's… it's too late!" James started crying, "Maybe I can explain it to her!"  
  
James caught up to Jessie, and pulled out the ring to give it to her, and felt a sharp pain in his chest. He looked backward to see Butch with the gun James had previously used on Butch. He looked down to see his chest covered in blood. James looked up at Jessie one last time, and died.  
  
"It's a pity these things have to happen." Butch said as he looked up at Jessie, "Right, hon?"  
  
"Right, Butchie!" They both shared a frightful cackle together.  
  
Suddenly Cassidy broke in, "You monsters!" She shot two shots and put holes through both their heads.  
  
Suddenly Mondo broke in, "You killed my Jessie!" he put a hole through Cassidy's head.  
  
Suddenly Giovanni broke in, "You killed my best member!" he put a hole through Mondo's head.  
  
Suddenly Ash broke in, "You're the boss of Team Rocket!" He put a hole through Giovanni's head.  
  
Suddenly Brock broke in, "You killed the boss of Team Rocket!" he put a hole through Ash's head, "Why the fuck did I do that."  
  
Suddenly Misty broke in, "You killed my lover!" she put a hole through Brock's head.  
  
Suddenly Tracey broke in, "You killed my lover!" he put a hole through Misty's head.  
  
Suddenly Professor Oak broke in, "You're annoying!" He put a hole through Tracey's head.  
  
Suddenly Ash's Mom broke in, "You killed my sex toy!" she put a hole through Professor Oak's head.  
  
Suddenly Gary broke in, "You killed my grandfather!" he put a hole through Ash's Mom's head.  
  
Suddenly Mandy broke in, "You killed off my favorite porn star!" he put a hole through Gary's head.  
  
Suddenly James broke in, "You stole my idea, you bitch!" He put a hole through Mandy's head, "Oh… wait… I'm dead. Sorry, honest mistake." James died again.  
  
Suddenly Jessibelle broke in, "You're not dyin' properly! Here, let me show you the right way!" she put a hole through her own head.  
  
  
THE END  
  
  
  
James walks on stage, "Wait a minute! We can't end the fic like that!"  
  
Butch walks on stage, "What do you think we are, a couple of fags who don't get any so we're killing everyone off to feel better?" he starts to cry.  
  
"It's OK, Butch. It's OK." James says has he puts his arm around Butch's shoulder.  
  
"Oh stop it!"  
  
"No you stop it!"  
  
"I'll stop it if you stop it!"  
  
"I have an idea, Butch!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Let's do the Titanic ending!"  
  
"YEAH!"  
  
Both start running around like insane Telletubbies until the next scene comes on, "Laaalaaaaalaaaa!"  
  
"What the fuck?" James felt something, "I found it!" He had sat down on the ring when Jessie had walked in, "But… it's… it's too late!" James started crying, "Maybe I can explain it to her!"  
  
James caught up to Jessie, and pulled out the ring to give it to her, and suddenly, a pile of ice came and clonked James on the head, "What's going on?"  
  
The captain came up to them, "The bloody ship's sinkin! I can't do anything about it!"  
  
"Into the lifeboat, Jessie!" Butch said, "Me and James have a boat on the other side!"  
  
Jessie climbed into the lifeboat, but climbed out… yada yada yada… on to the shooting scene… yada yada yada… Stuck in the water… yada yada yada… Jessie climbs onto a floating door, but James is unable to get out.  
  
"JESSIE! HELP ME UP!"  
  
"Have courage James! You'll freeze to death, but at least I'll survive!"  
  
"Yeah? Well… since I'm doomed… I might as well tell you…"  
  
"Yes, James?"  
  
"I've never really seen a naked woman before you…"  
  
"But… those drawings…"  
  
"I drew them when I was whacking myself to a Playboy magazine."  
  
"You have to be joking!"  
  
"Wait! That's not entirely true…"  
  
"What?"  
  
James looked down, "It was Victoria's Secret."  
  
"Rea…"  
  
"Actually…" James turned bright red, "It was a Teen Magazine."  
  
"Oh yuck… Jim… they're like…"  
  
James started bawling, "I KNOW!"  
  
Jessie held James' hand, "I also have something to tell you."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"That little joyride we took…"  
  
"Yes…"  
  
"You don't drive stick very well…"  
  
James looked up indignantly, "Well it's not like I get much practice where I come from, is it?!"  
  
"I guess…"  
  
"Oh shit this is freezing… I think my balls just fell off…"  
  
"Oh…"  
  
"Fuck I thought I wasn't supposed to die in this one!"  
  
"You should already be dead!"  
  
"But I…"  
  
"I'll never let go, James, I'll never let go." Jessie pushed a live James out into the ocean.  
  
"JESSIE WAIT!" James was pulled under by the current, never to be seen again.  
  
Yada yada yada… old lady on boat… how touching… yada yada yada… (It's a three hour long movie, what the fuck do you expect?) yada yada yada… scary guys… Old lady goes to the edge of the boat… Whoops… she dropped the ring into the water… scary guys are GONNA be pissed off now…  
  
  
THE END  
  
  
  
  
Butch comes onscreen, "Let's not end the movie like that."  
  
James comes onscreen, "I thought you'd be happy!"  
  
"But I only got like two lines! That sucks!"  
  
"It's fucking sweet is what it is. I got to draw a naked woman and learn to drive stick!"  
  
Butch whacks James across the face, "Let's try the 'Star Wars' ending!"  
  
Both start running around like Telletubbies again…  
  
"What the fuck?" James felt something, "I found it!" He had sat down on the ring when Jessie had walked in, "But… it's… it's too late!" James started crying, "Maybe I can explain it to her!"  
  
James caught up to Jessie, and pulled out the ring to give it to her, and she turned around to look at him, "James?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I am your father."  
  
"Ewwwwwwwww…"  
  
  
THE END  
  
  
Butch looks around, "I'm tired of this."  
  
James looks at Butch, "Let's do the 'Austin Powers' ending!"  
  
I'm sick of Telletubbies, this time they'll just wait for the next scene.  
  
"What the fuck?" James felt something, "I found it!" He had sat down on the ring when Jessie had walked in, "But… it's… it's too late!" James started crying, "Maybe I can explain it to her!"  
  
James caught up to Jessie, and pulled out the ring to give it to her, and suddenly Giovanni looked at them with his pinky in his mouth, "Fire the la-ser!"  
  
"NOOOO!" James yelled as he hit the 'abort' button. He grabbed Jessie and started screaming, "COME WITH ME!"  
  
The entire space station blew up just as they left the moon. When they got back home, they looked in the sky to see a large object.  
  
Jessie stared at it for a while, "I looks like a giant… a giant… what the fuck?"  
  
"They aren't doing that scene, Jess. It was too complicated, and this is a kid's show for fuck's sake!"  
  
"Fuck that, let's shag!"  
  
"And they said Austin Powers was bad!"  
  
"James… there's no hair on your chest."  
  
"Fat Bastard filled my bathtub with Nair."  
  
"And you decided to soak in it…"  
  
"I thought it was… something else…"  
  
Butch comes in, "Well if it ain't you!"  
  
"FAT BASTARD! YOU LOST WEIGHT!"  
  
"I'm not Fat Bastard! I'm here because I was wondering if we could…"  
  
Jessie and James looked at each other, "The more the merrier!"  
  
  
THE END  
  
  
Butch comes on, "Who the fuck wrote that!"  
  
James came in, "Well, it was a happy ending after all."  
  
"I just wish it wasn't so dark, that just didn't feel right! And Jessie kept doing some weird... extremely uncomfortable things..."  
  
"HUH?"  
  
Jessie comes in, "What, was I invisible or something??? You two seem to have had fun... but"  
  
James screamed, "DON'T TELL ME THAT JUST HAPPENED!"  
  
Butch screamed, "AHHHHHHHH!"  
  
"CHANGE THE ENDING! CHANGE THE ENDING!"  
  
"DEEP BLUE SEA ENDING!"  
  
"What the fuck?" James felt something, "I found it!" He had sat down on the ring when Jessie had walked in, "But… it's… it's too late!" James started crying, "Maybe I can explain it to her!"  
  
James caught up to Jessie, and pulled out the ring to give it to her, but he got eaten by a shark.  
  
Jessie pulled out her wetsuit, and stood atop a table. She stood on her wetsuit, grabbed a large electrical cord, and jammed it into the sharks mouth. She then stood there, hot, wet, and in only her underclothes.  
  
(James pauses the tape)  
  
"Whadda ya say, Butch, we just leave it like this for a while?"  
  
"Good idea."  
  
  
THE END 


End file.
